The Guilt of a Friendship

Something has been eating at me since last night. It doesn't really sound like a long time, but I'm the kind of girl that let's things- all things- get to her. I over analyze, I over think, I worry, I fret. It's a wonder I'm not sporting a head of gray hair at my ripe ol' age of 25, honestly.

This past week I heard from an old friend. I say old because we've had...sort of a falling out. I don't really remember what happened exactly. I know that she didn't come to my wedding- that was in our hometown- because she was going to be out of town for a family camping trip. And then she didn't come have lunch the next day with me and a bunch of friends because she felt awkward. And we haven't seen each other since. I think I was finally the one that emailed her to find out how she was doing.

So then, this week, I find out that she wants to come visit me. In Florida. For a week. I have a lot of issues with this. For one, we really aren't as close as we once were. Aside from the whole wedding thing- that honestly doesn't bother me, sometimes things just happen and you know, I got married just fine without her- we just don't talk much. She's never travelled before- she's never flown before, she's never been out of Montana- and so I know I will be completely paranoid for her. And third, because of the very untravelled-ness, she won't be renting a car, which makes me the "dependable" source of transportation. The problem with THAT is, I won't be able to take any time off work while she's here, PLUS I will most likely be working two jobs at that point since I will soon be experiencing a new job venture at the beginning of the upcoming year. So two jobs, a two year old, and a husband that commutes a good hour for his job does not equal a lot of free time.

I'm not good at confrontation. I can't even honk at bad drivers most of the time. I say I'm sorry too much, I ask waiters if its okay if I order something, I used to ask my mother if I could go to the bathroom when I was little. It's really pitiful, and it's one of the qualities I dislike most about myself.

So, last night, in attempts to A) nip this whole trip thing in the bud while B) avoiding confrontation, I emailed my friend, and listed all the concerns I had about said trip. And then apologized by saying that if I was out of line, I was very sorry. And now I am sitting here, checking my email every ten minutes, agonizing that I've hurt her feelings and have effectively ruined our already failing friendship. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????

I probably should have called her. I get that. But...while my friend is very funny, and at times very wonderful and nice, she's also...well, loud and stressful and overwhelming. So...I guess I took the easy road out. Or the seemingly easy road. Since no road is easy when you think about it constantly, even in your sleep. No road is easy when you recite what you will say in your email while in the shower. Yes, both of these really happened. Augh, the torture I put myself through.

So, what? Did I do the right thing? Am I a horrible friend? I keep going back and forth. My one ounce of backbone is saying "Get over it! She treated you like crap and didn't appreciate your friendship!" and then the rest of me is saying "How could you do this to someone you've known since the third grade? Is there no soul in there?" The devil-and-angel on the shoulder routine gets dizzying and annoying pretty quick.

Any thoughts, dear readers??