Me? Gullible?

Today, while listening to a mix CD I made a loooong time ago (titled "Vannah's Songs"), I came across a song that I hadn't heard in years. And it instantly struck a cord in my heart. It was as if a little pin had been stuck in my balloon and whoosh! I was momentarily deflated. It's funny how a song can bring you back to a different time and remind you of the person you used to be.

When I was younger, I was so much more naive, gullible, innocent. It's a general statement for most of us, right? When we were younger we came with innocence. Well, I always kind of thought my innocence ran deeper for some reason. Not that I was pure as the driven damn snow, but I just kept myself away from such realities for longer than many of my friends. Or, tried to.

This song reminds me of that girl I used to be. That girl who fell in love too easily, with guys who hardly noticed her to begin with. A girl that gave her heart away too quickly, only to have it dropped in a puddle carelessly. And no, not a puddle of sunshine. : ) A girl who was clumsy and awkward and goofy with all matters of the heart. A girl who read Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts and hoped that life would end up like that- a written fairy tale that someday another girl would read and dream about.

Unfortunately, that's not real life. Even when you do get your happy ending, its not perfect. You still fight, you still get tired of life, you still have moments when you give up. The fairy tales always neglect to give you that minor detail.

And yet.....................and yet, in spite of the daily battles you may have, you still want the fairy tale. And even though there are moments- days- that you want to give up, you don't. Because deep down, you remember that girl that used to cry herself to sleep when a boy broke her heart. You remember those sleepless nights of wondering why why why you didn't seem to be enough. You remember the lonesome, you remember the quiet, you remember the hopelessness. And when you don't remember, the song still does.

I never quite learned how to be insensitive. And I thank God for it. I'm thankful that I have a sap's heart. That I cry when I watch my baby sleep. That I cry when I read or watch or hear of an incredible love story. That I cry when I think of my life without my husband. I'm thankful for this ocean of a heart that makes me feel "too" much. Because without it, I wouldn't be me.

Don't forget to be you, who ever and whatever you are or want to be. : )