Window

I think sometimes things just happen because they are meant to. Even really minor things.

A few nights ago, I had to open the windows of our house because there was smoke everywhere from the stupid stove, where I had spilled something on the burner, then forgot to clean it up right away...yada yada. Yuck. Anyway, I opened the blinds to open the large window that is right behind our computer desk. Later, when I went to put the blinds down again, I realized they were somehow stuck. Even the hubs couldn't fix them. We ended up just taking them down, because by that time we had both messed with them, and they were hanging crooked and looked completely ridiculous.

So, now, our big window is wide open. It doesn't bother me in the slightest, for a few reasons. One, it faces our little backyard, which is only a small patch between the house and the garage. On either side of us is another townhouse, and there are privacy fences between us. Needless to say, I do not feel exposed, which is a big fear of mine and windows. If I was facing the street, I'd be completely paranoid- believe me. : )



And for the best reason....................the view. I get to see this big open mass of beautiful sky, and on nights like tonight it is amazing. I absolutely love a sky that is the color of cotton candy- that soft lovely blue and pink that must have the power to melt even the coldest of hearts. I love this dusky time of day as well. When I was younger, in my "wild days", it was about the time everyone would start heading out to go drinking, dancing, partying. It's the time of day that you can still see out, but the city lights all come on, beckoning you to come out and play. Now, I see this soft sky and can't help but feel at peace with the day that is coming to a close.

So, even though the hubby doesn't like it (he doesn't like being able to visibly see the thunderstorms, poor thing), I secretly enjoy my big open window of inspiration. I think in some small way, those pesky window blinds were a blessing in disguise. It's all in how you look at it, dear readers! : )

Those Were The Days

Sorry, folks, today I am just not feeling too perky. I don't know where this post is going...so bare with me!


Today, I just didn't feel right with the world. Do you ever have those days? Where you just feel like you are on the outside, looking in at all of these things that are going on around you, that you just don't agree with? And all you can do is watch. You have no control. You're simply stuck in the moment, with no escape. Well, that was my day. Things kept happening that I didn't like, but of course I'm powerless, so I just watch and worry and inwardly fret.

Then, after a day at work of fretting and fuming and basically growling to myself, I came home to an empty house. I was initially looking forward to that- a quiet home to just relax for a moment before the Monkey got home and was bouncing off the walls. And then I ended up sitting here, at the computer, ready to blog away...and nothing. Nothing happened. I stared at the screen, I looked around for inspiration, I tried to take a deep breath and get over my over-emotional drama queen routine...but it didn't help. All I could think was: I just hate being a grown up today. And so that, my readers, is my prompt for today's exciting blog. : ) I told you to bare with me!

I have a big envelope that I keep lots of old pictures and cards from high school/college in. I should probably do something with them, scrapbook them or something, but that probably won't happen until I retire. ; ) Anyway, for now they are in this big ol' envelope for safe keeping. Today my eyes rested on the envelope, while I was sitting here searching for writing inspiration, and so I began pulling things out of it to reminisce.

A simpler time flooded over me. High school was so easy! And it already feels like so long ago. I remember feeling safe there, surprisingly safe. Most people look back at high school and cringe- either they hated everyone around them, or they hated who they were then. I didn't love everyone around me, and there were sure times I hated myself, but all in all I knew wonderful people, had decent teachers (some better than others, of course!!), and was a good person. A better person, I feel, than I am now.

I feel like adult-hood is changing me for the worse. I see actions taken out against others by adults older than me- people that should know better than to treat others so poorly. It hurts my heart to see people act this way. And it scares me that I'm raising a child to live in this same world. What will become of it by the time he's an adult? I shudder at the mere thought.

I know real life isn't all about rainbows and sunshine and lovey-dovey happy feelings. I understand that. But is it really this nasty underbelly of evil, too? Okay, maybe I'm phasing back to drama-queen again. I just get scared when I see people- that I'm supposed to trust- act two very different ways in a matter of moments. And I hate playing nicey-nice with people that I really just want to run away from.

And so, for a moment, I will let my mind wander back through the memories of my simpler life. A time that I wrote a lot more- and frankly, a lot better-, where I had more friends, laughed more often, and slept better at night. I will remember the times me and my girlfriends would pile into the car and drive to town to go to Dairy Queen. I will remember the time I went to prom with my best guy buddy, Joe, and how he brought me yellow roses. I will remember going to the movies and holding hands with Adam. I will remember sitting in Ms. Dorrance's Creative Writing class, and always volunteering to read my works out loud, without fear. I will remember Youth Group at church, I will remember working at the grocery store, I will remember all our girly sleepovers.

And I will cling to all these memories, in hopes that they will keep me the same happy, good girl I am. Because I don't want to lose her.

Savannah Does Smile

I have finally found "THE" song for me and my hubby. Like I have said before, I am constantly looking for new music to feel and connect with, especially when I'm feeling a certain emotion that I myself cannot figure out. Also, I love the beginning- "you're cooler than the flip side of my pillow, that's right"- because we have a long-running inside joke about that. We're nerds, its alright. : )

>>> side note: Uncle Kracker sounds fabulous all happy and in love, doesn't he???? I totally buy it. I love it. : ) <<<

My relationship with my husband is...good. It always has been. I met him when I was still recovering from being busted up and broken by an idiot boy. For a long time I had felt numb, and because of that I was messing around with random guys just to see if I could possibly feel anything ever again. They were all making me lose hope.

One of the first few days of my new work in 2007 I saw a man that made my heart jump a little bit. I to this day cannot explain the perfect feeling he gave me. I never believed in love at first sight, but with him I dove right in without question. And I've never looked back. I didn't need to. Our first kiss told me everything I needed to know. We were both searching for somewhere safe for our hearts.

Our first fight happened just after we began dating. It was at his apartment, and I was crabby. He was changing and he said something that set me off, so I stormed out of the apartment, fuming for no good reason. He could have let me go and that would have been that. But he didn't. He tugged on a pair of pants and came running after me. Just like the movies. : ) And that was when I knew that he was a keeper. Its silly little things like that that make a girl know she's important.

When we were hit with the surprise of me getting prego, he was amazing. Supportive, loving, happy. He looked at me like I was all his and that he would take care of me. I never once questioned our relationship after that.

Today, we are struggling like the rest of America with work, money, life. But we always try to remember that, no matter how bad life gets, we still have each other to cling to. And we have each other to make us smile.

Checking off the Bucket List

The hubs and I took a little mini-vaca on Monday/Tuesday to Miami. I was successful in checking off three things on my Bucket list:




1. Go to Miami. (pleasantly surprising- the breeze was nice, the people were friendly, and everything I saw was actually really cool).



2. Go to a pro-football game. (Freakin' awesome, not surprisingly!)













3. SEE JIMMY BUFFETT LIVE. (Um....more than amazing. Unbelievable. I. Was. Speechless.)

Needless to say, I feel quite accomplished this week. : )

Fat and Happy...?

Yesterday, I was driving down the road, letting my mind wander as it does, when I began thinking of recent photos taken with my husband. We had gone to Miami for the Monday Night Football game (more on that in another post!), and there was one particular pic of us together that was really cute (see below). But then I caught myself thinking "yeah, I don't look too fat in that picture, its cute"...and then I stopped. Wait. What?


I've never been a little tiny person. I've always been full figured. I've always had a booty and been curvy. It's hardly ever bothered me. I've of course had days I felt fat, but I also learned how to use my figure in a good way, and how to dress it the right way. Not to be a hoe or anything (although I'd say any girl that can pick up a boy in a Disney castworker costume has got to be pretty foxy!), but to feel good about how I looked. I'm a firm believer that if you feel good, it will shine through and make you look even better.


And then............motherhood came. My husband probably met me when I was at my smallest. My roomie and I were both working at Disney, we were dirt poor, so we worked hard, played hard, and ate little. After dating for only a few months, the then boyfriend and I found out I was prego. Obviously, that is something that will change your body.

I didn't bounce back from it. I wish I could say I did. I wish I could say that I took care of myself and stayed healthy and worked out and all that. I didn't; I still don't. I eat junk food, and my biggest workout is chasing the Monkey around the house (which can sometimes be quite the workout!!!). I remember, however, the day after I had Monkey. I had finally stood up for the first time in two days to go to the bathroom on my own (after a c-section, its easier said than done!). I looked and felt my tummy that had protruded from my body two days before. Compared to that, it now felt flat. I felt tiny. I promised myself I would always remember that feeling, and never call myself fat again.

And now we fast forward back to now. Now, with me looking at pictures of myself and debating whether or not I was fat or cute. How ridiculous is that? Of course I'm not the same as I was before I had a baby. Not too many of us women are, right? But my size should not be the judge of my happiness. So, fine, I'm not a size 2, 4, 6, 8...etc. I have the most gorgeous little boy who lights up my life. I have an amazingly wonderful husband, who quite frankly rocks me like a hurricane reguardless of what size I am. I have amazing friends and family that love me. And I have yet to have had any bad health issues, so even if I am a little big, I am still pretty healthy. If all that isn't enough to be happy about, I don't know what is.




So, from now on, I am going to fight those little inner demons that want to bring me down. And others down, for that matter. Do you notice, as a woman, that sometimes in order to bring ourselves up, we tear other women down by being overly judgemental of them? For example, seeing an old classmate of yours and noticing that she's not that little tiny cheerleader she once was. Well, of course she's not, and neither are you. You're both grown ass women, and that is something to be celebrated, reguardless of whether or not you look like you did in high school. So, this is my new challenge: to love myself, and others, better. To respect people- and again, myself- for who they are, and not what they look like.

And maybe I'll start walking more too. Just...for fun. : )

Big, beautiful, and happy.

Song To Keep Your Strength Up

Well, its been a week. Between the hubby's car being in the shop, the Monkey being sick in the messiest of ways, and the lackluster of going to work, I was pretty much done with life early on.

Don't you hate that? Weeks or days that have just been so against you for no particular reason, and they are just so crappy that you just want them to be over with. But then you feel like you're wishing life away.

Last night, I was driving home late. I had gotten done with work early (yay!), but then spent the entire rest of the day getting hubby's car from the shop, paid for, and to his work so he could drive home. It doesn't sound like such a drama, but since everything was at least 45 minutes away from everywhere else, it took awhile. So, there I was, driving in the dark, the Monkey in the back seat passed out, and this song came on the radio.





I know this song, and I've always liked it (I'm a country music girl at heart...don't chide me for it!), but I'd never heard it on a day that I totally clicked with it. Until last night. Last night, it came on the radio, and I immediately cranked it up (a little...I mean, I didn't want to scare Monkey out of sleep), and jammed out to it. It lifted my spirits and reminded me that I'm not alone in my bad days, that there's always light at the end of the tunnel, as long as you keep on driving, pushing, fighting.

I know this sounds crazy, so I don't want to weird anyone out, but since I am a believer in God, I do think that sometimes He sends us little messages in everyday things. Like a song we needed to hear on the radio. Just a little sign that everything would be okay, and a little push to keep us going to where we need to be.

I hope you never lose sight of where you're going, and if you do, that you look for signs to get you back on track. : )

Always Remember

Eight years ago, I lived in a country that was completely shaken up like a jar of honey bees. I was a senior in high school, and before September 11, 2001, was probably concerned with silly things like what to wear to prom and what I would be doing the upcoming weekend.

Then the morning of September 11th came about, and opened our minds to a whole new level of worry and concern.

Young men I was to be graduating with began discussing enlisting in the military. That really brought it home. My friends had family members- brothers, even fathers- in the military already that immediately began readying themselves for whatever the future was to bring. It was a scary time.

And yet...amid the tortured hearts and broken families, beyond the thousands of lives lost and devastating destruction in our country's most fabulous city, there was a glimmer of beauty. People were kinder, gentler. Drivers were more courteous. I worked at a grocery store, and people just seemed to be more aware of one another. For the longest time, we were all walking around ignoring one another. We'd bump into each other on the sidewalk and hardly look up. We'd flip one another off while driving, and curse at one another. We stole, we killed, we hated. And I'm not saying all those things ended, but for awhile there we really all seemed to pull together as a country again, rather some big piece of land filled with strangers.

Is it twisted that I miss that? I'm obviously not saying I want tragedy to strike again, NO. But I do think its sad that it takes that level of shock to snap us back to kindness. I wish it wasn't that way. I wish we were all just a tad bit nicer, if for no other reason than that is just the way it should be.

A few weeks ago, I went to fill up my gas tank. I pulled into an available pump and went to slide my debit card. I then noticed there was already $5 pre-paid on the pump. This tiny act of kindness warmed my heart so much that I still smile, even now as I re-tell the story.

So today, I finally paid it forward. After dropping my son off at daycare, I went through a toll booth. I handed the operator $2- one for me, and one for the guy behind me. She smiled and I smiled back, and for the rest of the day I felt lighter. Yes, its only $1. But I don't know what that gentleman driving behind me was dealing with in his life. He may have been on the verge of giving up. Sometimes it just takes a little tiny act of goodness to bring you back.

I hope, readers, that you remember in your hearts that there are still good people in this world.

And you are one of them.



*** This blogger must credit her mother, Susan, for the last two lines of this blog entry. When a boyfriend had broken my heart, she said this same thing to me, and it has always stuck with me. Thanks, Mama.***

Friday Movie: Buzz, buzz?

Sometimes, a story comes along that touches your heart, even though you aren't quite sure why. Maybe its just got a magic about it that touches everyone. Maybe its just good story telling. Maybe you are just looking for something to cling to in that moment, and the story is all you've got.


I read The Secret Life of Bees quite a few years ago, and was pretty madly in love with it, just like anyone else who read it. I love stories that blur the lines of conformity- whether it be race, gender, or otherwise. I love heroes and heroines that aren't afraid to stand up for what is right, no matter what the costs. Don't we all get that sweet happy feeling in our belly whenever we see someone do the right thing, even if its more difficult?

When I heard they were making this book into a movie, I was skeptical. We all know of a book that we love dearly that ends up getting chopped and tortured on the big screen (*cough* Harry Potter *cough*). So, needless to say, I didn't rush out and watch this movie immediately, in spite of the fact that I love all the women in it. How could you go wrong with Queen Latifah, Dakota Fanning, Alicia Keys, AND Jennifer Hudson? Seriously.

So, I admit my foolishness about waiting and doubting this film. But I finally watched it on HBO on demand (God I love that creation!), and it was awesome. I haven't read the book in quite some time, but everything I remember from it was right. I'm sure there were a few differences, but the big and best details seemed to be there. I loved this movie. I laughed, I cried, and was totally bummed when it was over. I wanted to stay in the big pink house and listen to Alicia- er, June- play music, and go bee keeping with August.

Isn't that the best kind of story? Not only does it suck you in and make you feel alive, but at the end of the story you wish it hadn't ended at all? When I was younger and I would come across a book like that, I used to start the book over immediately because I knew I would miss the characters too much. : )

I hope ya'll have favorite stories, and I hope you always remember to keep them close to your heart. Maybe its something silly that doesn't really matter to everyone, but I would think that anyone who reads- and writes- blogs cherishes writing at some level. Keep it close, tucked away, always. And remember that it is always there to keep you company.

Me? Gullible?

Today, while listening to a mix CD I made a loooong time ago (titled "Vannah's Songs"), I came across a song that I hadn't heard in years. And it instantly struck a cord in my heart. It was as if a little pin had been stuck in my balloon and whoosh! I was momentarily deflated. It's funny how a song can bring you back to a different time and remind you of the person you used to be.

When I was younger, I was so much more naive, gullible, innocent. It's a general statement for most of us, right? When we were younger we came with innocence. Well, I always kind of thought my innocence ran deeper for some reason. Not that I was pure as the driven damn snow, but I just kept myself away from such realities for longer than many of my friends. Or, tried to.

This song reminds me of that girl I used to be. That girl who fell in love too easily, with guys who hardly noticed her to begin with. A girl that gave her heart away too quickly, only to have it dropped in a puddle carelessly. And no, not a puddle of sunshine. : ) A girl who was clumsy and awkward and goofy with all matters of the heart. A girl who read Danielle Steele and Nora Roberts and hoped that life would end up like that- a written fairy tale that someday another girl would read and dream about.

Unfortunately, that's not real life. Even when you do get your happy ending, its not perfect. You still fight, you still get tired of life, you still have moments when you give up. The fairy tales always neglect to give you that minor detail.

And yet.....................and yet, in spite of the daily battles you may have, you still want the fairy tale. And even though there are moments- days- that you want to give up, you don't. Because deep down, you remember that girl that used to cry herself to sleep when a boy broke her heart. You remember those sleepless nights of wondering why why why you didn't seem to be enough. You remember the lonesome, you remember the quiet, you remember the hopelessness. And when you don't remember, the song still does.

I never quite learned how to be insensitive. And I thank God for it. I'm thankful that I have a sap's heart. That I cry when I watch my baby sleep. That I cry when I read or watch or hear of an incredible love story. That I cry when I think of my life without my husband. I'm thankful for this ocean of a heart that makes me feel "too" much. Because without it, I wouldn't be me.

Don't forget to be you, who ever and whatever you are or want to be. : )

Nature Walk

The Monkey's current favorite thing to do on the weekends is take walks around the neighborhood. The walks have steadily gotten longer and longer each time we go. I'm surprised that his little short legs can keep up! But I'm enjoying the fact of having a child who enjoys being outside- because I'm sure at some point he will be gobbled up with technology like the rest of youth and want to play video games inside 24 hours a day (not happening, btw).

What else always amazes me about our walks is exactly what catches his attention. AKA: everything! It is so funny how kids soak everything in. Every car that passes by, he points to; every little lizard that skittered across the sidewalk, he stops and looks at; occasionally he would stop and brush his little hand across the blades of grass and giggle; when we walked to a little pond he kept saying "wa-wa, wa-wa". Everything is an adventure when you are a year and half.

I had to stop and take a picture of this leaf, the one resemblance of autumn. As I've said before, I love fall, and am disappointedd that we don't really get it in Florida (but I guess its a fair trade since I don't have to freeze my tush off in the winter!). So when this pretty multi-colored leaf caught my eye, I had to capture it.

Everything else was still in summer mode. Flowers, green grass, green, full trees, the hot air- although there was a little less humidity today, as well as a slight breeze that felt really nice. When it was time to turn back and go home- Monkey's cheeks were bright pink, and I was close to melting- Monkey stomped his feet and whimpered momentarily, but then picked up the pace at the promise of juice. : )

And another successful walk was complete.

Make up Tune Day

One of the better feelings in the world is when you first meet someone that makes your heart flutter. They may or may not be "The One", but for that moment in time they consume you entirely. And between the obsessive heart flutters, breathtaking moments, and ignorance of the possibility that you may end up broken hearted, you completely lose yourself.

It's even better when you realize that the other person is equally lost in you. It doesn't happen often, so when the timing is just right, I think it is something to be celebrated.

When I met my husband, something just seemed to click, for both of us. It wasn't love at first sight, but from the moment I saw him, I knew there was something special about him, and that I wanted to be a part of it. Once we started dating, I never questioned anything. I let myself fall. I let myself get swept up in the rush of my heart beating, in our incredibly tender moments, and in his gorgeous hazel eyes. I never once looked back. Before that, I never had a relationship like that. I always looked back, I always thought and re-thought every move I made. And that never proved to work for me. But this time, this relationship, I didn't ever once feel it necessary to look back, to double check my footing. I just went with it. And I'm so thankful for that, because today I am married to the best guy ever.

Today, we've only been married just over a year, but we are as strong as ever. We aren't perfect; we still fight and get mad at one another and mess up. But we love each other, I believe unconditionally. At the end of the day, we both know our hearts are safe. And that is what really matters.

As for the song...first, India.Arie is one of my favorite artists. I can't believe I haven't picked one of her songs to blog about yet, honestly. She's amazing and inspirational. The first time I heard this song, my heart had intended it for someone else. Later down the road, after finding out that was a mistake, I saw my husband for the first time, and finally realized what the song was about. I seriously had a mental soundtrack moment and heard this song blaring (am I the only one that does that? Yes? Oh boy).

Oh, and honey...I am still, and always will be, interested. : )

Alive and Well!

Hello, dear readers...

I have not run away or fallen off the face of the Earth. I was sick all this past week with a nasty little cold and so I had very little energy to spend on anything other than work and taking care of the Monkey. But I am back and better than ever! Or......at least back. : ) Just in time for a three day weekend. Yay!

Today, the Monkey and I went to the Dollar Tree store. Now, I'm pretty sure that even if I were a millionaire, I would shop at the dollar store- at least for certain things. I believe there are just some things worth paying full price for (like a pregnancy test, which I saw today...really???), while others just aren't worth more than a dollar. Wrapping paper, for example. It gets ripped to shreds anyway, why spend a lot of money on something that just gets tossed?

Same thing goes with decorations. I love love love decorating for the seasons, especially now that I'm a mom and I want our house to always be festive for the Monkey, no matter what season we are in. But let's face it, decor is pricey most places. So instead of spending an arm and a leg on something I'm only going to have out for a few months of the year, I go to the dollar store and by garland, ribbon, and anything else I think is cute. Today, I got strands of faux fall-colored leaves and autumn-y ribbon to wrap around a very basic wreath I already had. See above- I think it turned out pretty cute! All for three bucks!

Fall is by far my favorite season. I love everything about it- the nip in the air (alright, not here in Florida, but in a lot of places), the leaves changing color, football season starting, kids back at school, pumpkins (my plant is flourishing, by the way!), hot apple cider, and the simple excitement of looking forward to the holiday season to come.

I hope ya'll have a good entry-to-fall weekend!!