There's good, there's bad...there's always ugly

Been awhile since I've blogged, eh? Sorry, kids.

Lots has been going on in this little brain of mine. Sometimes I'm surprised at how much thinking goes on in there! :)

First off...happy 200th post to me! And you. And...whomever else wants to be included. I feel like I should be doing something AMAZING for this post...like bake you all virtual cupcakes. :)

But...I did not. I know. What kind of crap blog am I running here?? Seriously.

At any rate, it's entry #200, and I'm still here...hopefully you are too. And if you are, thank you.

Today is Hubby's birthday. He is 37. Happy birthday darling.

Unfortunately, there's something else that is weighing heavy on my heart and mind today. :(

Three years ago today, my grandpa passed away. If you read this blog frequently, you know that Grandpa has a special place in my heart. If you haven't been privy to this news, you can read about it here. It's amazing how people leave our lives and leave such a hole. And in some ways, I feel closer to him now than I ever did when he was alive. I'm not sure how that works, if it works, if it even makes sense. I guess because I envision him occasionally looking down at me from his great fishing hole in the sky, making sure I'm doing okay. It's a thought that is both comforting and sad. Because all he can do is look. He's not here to hug me, he's not here to give me candy, he's not here to make that little chuckle he always did when he was mildly amused by his only granddaughter's crazy antics. He's not here to even look at me with confusion the way he did when his Alzheimer's kicked in.

My life is so different from when he was still with us. I look back now and sometimes feel like I've lost both him and myself. Sometimes I worry that he'll look down from his fishing hole in the sky and not be able to find me, because I'm so different. I worry so greatly even more that he can see me, but doesn't want to because what I am now isn't what he expected or hoped for me to be. Grandpa wanted only big, bright, amazing things for me.

I wonder if I let him down by just being another girl in the world.