I've been trying to act normal all day.
But the truth is, I don't feel normal at all.
I guess normal isn't a good word. I don't like it, in general. What
does it even mean? And why do we all have to be assumed normal?
Why is abnormal always a negative thing? It seems like some of us
try too hard to be whatever the norm is, and end up being
utterly dull.
Yuck.
So, I'm not trying to be dull. I'm trying not to curl into a little ball
and cry like a crazy woman.
My grandfather past away over two years ago now. We were pretty
close; I'm his only grandkid, so he and my Grandma always
spoiled the crap out of me. He kept candy corn in the glove compartment
of his truck for me. He'd play Barbies with me and watch cartoons
with me. He'd encourage me to get great grades- and give me $100 bills
if I got straight A's. Usually he gave in and gave it to me anyway,
assuming that my grades were good.
The last ten or so years of his live weren't fun ones. He was in
a nursing home for much it them; he lost the desire to live, I think.
He got Alzheimer's; he lost most of his strength and could hardly
walk. This was why he was in the nursing home; my 80 year old
grandmother could no longer care for him on her own. It was
an overall sad situation.
When Hubs and I got married, we had the ceremony and
reception my parents spacious and beautiful yard,
in Montana, in July 2008. While we were there, I took
Monkey to see my Grandpa in the nursing home for the first and only
time. Monkey was only six months old at the time.
Grandpa assumed he was my mother's baby.
About two weeks later, Grandpa passed away.
I always assumed and told myself that he held on long enough to see
Monkey. The timing of things just seemed so ironic; we'd had
so many close calls as far as loosing Grandpa, but he always inexplicably
bounced back. Until this time.
So. Fast forward to now. I miss him, and I think about him often. But I
hadn't actually dreamed of him until last night.
Long story short, I was on a passenger train, walking through the
cars. Grandpa was sitting on one, alone. I walked right up to him,
and he looked up at me, smiling softly. We talked for a bit, but I didn't
sit down next to him. Then, I hugged him, and called him, "Papa", which
I had never, ever done before.
The mood changed. Instead of a sweet reunion, Grandpa suddenly
pulled away from me, giving me a look of confusion, anger, and betrayal.
"You don't even know who I am," he accused.
"Yes, yes I do!" I protested. "I'm sorry, Monkey calls his grandfathers Papa."
"NO!" Grandpa yelled, and then he disappeared, leaving me alone on
the speeding train.
I woke up this morning...broken hearted. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut,
and my heart is just sad. I don't know what any of the
dream means. The train? My grandfather? Me calling him Papa, and his
upset reaction?
Any thoughts?
But the truth is, I don't feel normal at all.
I guess normal isn't a good word. I don't like it, in general. What
does it even mean? And why do we all have to be assumed normal?
Why is abnormal always a negative thing? It seems like some of us
try too hard to be whatever the norm is, and end up being
utterly dull.
Yuck.
So, I'm not trying to be dull. I'm trying not to curl into a little ball
and cry like a crazy woman.
My grandfather past away over two years ago now. We were pretty
close; I'm his only grandkid, so he and my Grandma always
spoiled the crap out of me. He kept candy corn in the glove compartment
of his truck for me. He'd play Barbies with me and watch cartoons
with me. He'd encourage me to get great grades- and give me $100 bills
if I got straight A's. Usually he gave in and gave it to me anyway,
assuming that my grades were good.
The last ten or so years of his live weren't fun ones. He was in
a nursing home for much it them; he lost the desire to live, I think.
He got Alzheimer's; he lost most of his strength and could hardly
walk. This was why he was in the nursing home; my 80 year old
grandmother could no longer care for him on her own. It was
an overall sad situation.
When Hubs and I got married, we had the ceremony and
reception my parents spacious and beautiful yard,
in Montana, in July 2008. While we were there, I took
Monkey to see my Grandpa in the nursing home for the first and only
time. Monkey was only six months old at the time.
Grandpa assumed he was my mother's baby.
About two weeks later, Grandpa passed away.
I always assumed and told myself that he held on long enough to see
Monkey. The timing of things just seemed so ironic; we'd had
so many close calls as far as loosing Grandpa, but he always inexplicably
bounced back. Until this time.
So. Fast forward to now. I miss him, and I think about him often. But I
hadn't actually dreamed of him until last night.
Long story short, I was on a passenger train, walking through the
cars. Grandpa was sitting on one, alone. I walked right up to him,
and he looked up at me, smiling softly. We talked for a bit, but I didn't
sit down next to him. Then, I hugged him, and called him, "Papa", which
I had never, ever done before.
The mood changed. Instead of a sweet reunion, Grandpa suddenly
pulled away from me, giving me a look of confusion, anger, and betrayal.
"You don't even know who I am," he accused.
"Yes, yes I do!" I protested. "I'm sorry, Monkey calls his grandfathers Papa."
"NO!" Grandpa yelled, and then he disappeared, leaving me alone on
the speeding train.
I woke up this morning...broken hearted. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut,
and my heart is just sad. I don't know what any of the
dream means. The train? My grandfather? Me calling him Papa, and his
upset reaction?
Any thoughts?
Your feelings of him hanging on to meet monkey are correct.
ReplyDeleteMy grandfather did the same thing, we all flew in from around the country when we got the news that he had hours to live... 48 hours later and after he addressed all 15 grandchildren all the family and friends individually he said his goodbyes and he was gone.
I still too have the dreams/nightmares and I wake up and I can smell him, feel him in the air?
It will pass. And in the moments where you wish he was there you will feel him.
It does get easier (my grandfather lived with us our whole lives so we were very close) its been 5 years for me and each year gets a little easier and I have more time to be at peace that he is no longer in pain or suffering..
Thank you for the kind words!
ReplyDeleteSince the dream I've gone over it a lot in my mind, and I've sort of come to different conclusions about it. A friend also suggested that the train represented my life- and how my grandfather was in it, since in the beginning of the dream, he was there like I remember him from my childhood. Then things changed, like they did in life when he got Alzheimer's- he was confused, angry, etc. Which made total sense to me.
I suppose the truth is that we never fully let go, no matter how "final" a goodbye may seem. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. : )