Nightmare

I've been trying to act normal all day.

But the truth is, I don't feel normal at all.

I guess normal isn't a good word. I don't like it, in general. What
does it even mean? And why do we all have to be assumed normal?
Why is abnormal always a negative thing? It seems like some of us
try too hard to be whatever the norm is, and end up being
utterly dull.

Yuck.

So, I'm not trying to be dull. I'm trying not to curl into a little ball
and cry like a crazy woman.

My grandfather past away over two years ago now. We were pretty
close; I'm his only grandkid, so he and my Grandma always
spoiled the crap out of me. He kept candy corn in the glove compartment
of his truck for me. He'd play Barbies with me and watch cartoons
with me. He'd encourage me to get great grades- and give me $100 bills
if I got straight A's. Usually he gave in and gave it to me anyway,
assuming that my grades were good.

The last ten or so years of his live weren't fun ones. He was in
a nursing home for much it them; he lost the desire to live, I think.
He got Alzheimer's; he lost most of his strength and could hardly
walk. This was why he was in the nursing home; my 80 year old
grandmother could no longer care for him on her own. It was
an overall sad situation.

When Hubs and I got married, we had the ceremony and
reception my parents spacious and beautiful yard,
in Montana, in July 2008. While we were there, I took
Monkey to see my Grandpa in the nursing home for the first and only
time. Monkey was only six months old at the time.
Grandpa assumed he was my mother's baby.

About two weeks later, Grandpa passed away.

I always assumed and told myself that he held on long enough to see
Monkey. The timing of things just seemed so ironic; we'd had
so many close calls as far as loosing Grandpa, but he always inexplicably
bounced back. Until this time.

So. Fast forward to now. I miss him, and I think about him often. But I
hadn't actually dreamed of him until last night.

Long story short, I was on a passenger train, walking through the
cars. Grandpa was sitting on one, alone. I walked right up to him,
and he looked up at me, smiling softly. We talked for a bit, but I didn't
sit down next to him. Then, I hugged him, and called him, "Papa", which
I had never, ever done before.

The mood changed. Instead of a sweet reunion, Grandpa suddenly
pulled away from me, giving me a look of confusion, anger, and betrayal.

"You don't even know who I am," he accused.

"Yes, yes I do!" I protested. "I'm sorry, Monkey calls his grandfathers Papa."

"NO!" Grandpa yelled, and then he disappeared, leaving me alone on
the speeding train.

I woke up this morning...broken hearted. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut,
and my heart is just sad. I don't know what any of the
dream means. The train? My grandfather? Me calling him Papa, and his
upset reaction?

Any thoughts?

Home Town

The Monkey and I have a trip planned.

In October, we will both be flying to Montana for about a week. My oldest, dearest friend (we've known each other since preschool) is getting married to the love of his life on 10-10-10 (try forgetting that anniversary)- so Monkey and I are making a vacation out of it. Unfortunately, the Hubs has to work, so he'll have to skip this trip. : ( Still, I can't lie- I'm very excited to go home.

Home? Do I really still call it that? No matter where I go or what I do or who I become, yeah, it's still home, at least to parts of me. My parents house is like Tara was to Scarlett O'Hara in Gone With the Wind. I was born and raised in that house. It was hard to leave. It's hard to go back to, as well. I'm not quite sure why.

While much of me is excited- I haven't been back in 2 years- I am also nervous. I can't quite explain that, either, other than it's a small enough town to hold up to all the cliches of any small town. People gossip, word gets around, and you're always bound to run into people you aren't exactly wanting to. Old boyfriends, mean girls from high school- it's all petty stuff that shouldn't even consume my mind in the least, buuuut- it does. When I moved to Florida almost four years ago, all I heard was, "Why do you want to move there???" and "You'll be back". Everyone thought I was crazy for moving. Maybe I was. And at the time, I could give a good enough reason to make anyone understand. But now- I've met and married my husband, we've had an insanely cute and wonderful little boy (well, fine, that's just my opinion...), I'm happy. Isn't that good enough?

Then again, there are people I haven't seen in two years that I cannot wait to see. My old friends that basically GOT me through high school. Girls that were true blue best friends. The kind of friends that, even though we haven't seen each other in two years, we'll be able to sit down and talk for hours, laughing and gossiping like it's only been a few days since we've last seen one another.

Some things never change. And that is a weird and wonderful thing.

Things My Kid Has Taught Me

When you are the parent, you are supposed to be the one to impart
knowledge on you kids, not the other way around. But, somehow,
little souls seem to teach us the most simple, but important, things.



Looking good is half the battle.

Sleep is sacred.




Make and remember magical moments.








Do what you love.





Don't be afraid to try new things.

Where In the World....?

I'm not even going to bring up the fact that I haven't blogged in over a month.

After that last sentence. : ) Let's just clean slate it and move on, shall we?

It's summer. It's busy. I don't know why that's an excuse...is there any time of year that ISN'T busy? I know there is for work- especially here in FL, in the hospitality and/or golf business. There's definitely times more busy than others. But life? Life is always busy. Still, we always seem to stray more in the summer. It's interesting.

Anyway, lots has gone on. Mom's visit came and went, faster than I could have ever expected. I was crushed to find out that we were not going to be able to make it back to Montana (my home) for Christmas. The hubby's job is keeping him here for the holidays- apparently that's a busy time for retail. Who'd have known? So we are staying in Florida. BUT you never know- something exciting just might happen when you least expect it. : ) Besides, next summer we will definitely make it to Montana, and the weather will be better than anyway.

Speaking of MT, I will be going back before next summer. My oldest, dearest friend, Joe, is getting married in October. So Monkey and I will be flying back for the wedding, and a little visit. Again, the hubs has to work (work really gets in the way of life, doesn't it???), but it should be a great trip, as long as Monkey and I can survive the plane trip just the two of us. Let's cross out fingers.

And that's that! Tomorrow me and my little fam will be having breakfast at Ohana, one of the most delicious places to eat on Disney property (which is saying a lot, because Disney has the best food in general), with Lilo and Stitch. I know, you're jealous. ; ) Should be fun. The hubs and I are also going to see Inception while Monkey hangs out with one of his "aunts" (one of my BFF's Rosie). It will be great practice for her for when she has her own tricycle motor.

Hope everyone has a good weekend. Hopefully I can get the writing juices flowing and keep this updated a weeeee bit more often!