Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

Boy, this is a doozy of a topic. I've got quite a few little- and not so little- things I need to just let go of, and let myself off the hook for. But it isn't as simple as that, is it?

I had a friend that I had known since kindergarten. Skiler. She was bright and funny and had a big laugh that was incredibly contagious. She had pale skin with freckles and really pretty pale green eyes. We had gone all through school together, and even after school, while we grew a part a bit, we still saw each other occasionally. We didn't stop being friends...but sometimes, when you grow up, you move on from people without even realizing it.

Well. Then I moved to Florida, had Monkey, and got married. Our wedding was in my hometown, at my parents house. Because it was at my parents house, it wasn't huge. 40 or 50 people. Unfortunately, that meant not everyone I knew was invited.
Including Skiler.

I knew that it had upset her. Honestly, I didn't even think to realize how upset she would be. I know that sounds entirely ignorant now-- even typing it, I want to kick myself. I tell myself that if SHE had gotten married and not invited ME, I would understand.

Sure.

So. The wedding was in July. November 19th, Skiler passed away.

The story was, Skiler had been in a car wreck, months before. After surviving that, months later, she had a blood clot, or something ridiculously random that stemmed back to the wreck. And she passed away. She was gone. I still think about it often; how I'd made her feel left out, uninvited. She could have been there. She SHOULD have been there. Regardless of how we'd grown apart, for the first half of my life she was there, and nothing changed that.

So, while I probably should forgive myself for leaving my relationship with her like that, I'm not sure I ever will. I have a feeling that if she could, she'd probably laugh at me and say, "Oh, you dumbass" and we'd be done with it.

But instead I'm left with sadness and guilt. And the reminder to never leave things undone with people. Just in case.