We Need A Little Christmas...

....in my case, I need Christmas overload. I llllllloooooovvvvveeee it all. :) I need to stop decorating the house....it's less than a week until Christmas, it's enough!

Monkey has enjoyed finding Cinnamon, his Elf on the Shelf, every morning. Unfortunately, it hasn't affected Monkey's attitude as much as I'd hoped. He's almost four, going on 13 or something. Auuuugh. However, if he manages to live until Christmas (I kid.........), I cannot WAIT to see him open his "Santa" present- a Batcave! It's kind of like the boy equivelent to a dollhouse- only with Batman, Robin, the whole gang. :) He saw a commercial for it on TV, and said, "I'm going to ask Santa for THAT!"....and this was after we'd already gotten it for him. Score!

Hubby's mama will be joining us for Christmas again from California...it will be nice to have her here. I'm not sure she will be too happy about the chilly weather- this will probably be the coldest weather she's ever experienced!

We will go to church on Christmas Eve for the candlelight service. It was one of my favorite things as a kid, and I'm excited to take Hubby and Monkey this year. And since I haven't spent a Christmas with my parents in five years, it will be even more special to be there with them. Christmas day will be spent at their house as well, opening presents and eating delicious food.

I've yet to watch It's A Wonderful Life OR Charlie Brown Christmas. I better get on it! :)

Wishing you a happy holiday, whatever you celebrate!!

Kids...I'm Alive

After the last post, I really hope no one thought I'd overdosed on Vitamin C to end it all.

Because I didn't. I'm right here and fine and dandy. Or, I'm right here. :)

Actually, my outlook is better. For one thing, we have finally MOVED into our own place!!! *happy dancing is involved here* I love my parents with every ounce of me (and trust, that's a LOT of ounces...a LOT), but Lordie, I'm too old to live with them. (more on being old in a moment)

So, we've moved, we've mostly unpacked, and life has continued on. A few other tidbits in my life:

- Because we've moved, I now have my own kitchen back (yayayayay!). I'm currently in pretend-I'm-Rachel-Ray mode, cooking every night and keeping the kitchen spotless. I worry that this is just a fad and I'll soon be ordering pizza in and eating it off of a paper plate. But. Let's not think about that.

- Football. It's back, baby. This year I'm only in one fantasy football league, and this past week I kicked Hubby's butt. Take that!

- It's the middle of September, and Montana is not cold yet. I am SHOCKED. And hopeful. And actually just the tiniest bit sad and worried that we won't get fall- that we'll stay hot until November and then have snow until April. *sigh*

- I. Love. Adele. I haven't stopped listening to her for at least a month.

- I have two friends that are having babies. I looove babies!

- Monkey's fish died. :( Actually, I think they died after the post I wrote about them (THAT'S what they were waiting for, those buggers!). He didn't really seem to understand, but he didn't get that upset, either (I cried. Seriously. Not really for the fish, but for Monkey. Who in turn...didn't care that much).

- Work has been non-stop. I'm not sure why. I'm tired of my phone ringing. I've been there since May, and while I love it, I really want a vacation.

And how have YOU all been?? :)

Scared.

I've been avoiding you, blog.

:(

Because I feel like I have nothing to say. Nothing good or of substance, anyway. My attitude towards life has been, let's just say, murky as of late.

And I feel like I can't talk about it. But isn't that what a blog is for? A small pie slice of the universe where you can dump all your feelings and thoughts, no matter how good or bad or scary or stupid they are- and then to not really worry about the judgement, because ya'll don't know me, and what's more, I don't know you!

I suppose it's because this place is no longer secret. People in my life know about it. So I feel like I need to wear my mask here, too.

Does anyone else do this?? Anyone else feel like life is just one big masquerade? I know we're all just supposed to be true to ourselves and BE ourselves and LOVE ourselves...but do you ever get so caught up in being everything for everyone else that you forget what it's even like to be YOU?

This morning I reblogged something on my Tumblr- a picture of a camera lens that had been turned into a coffee cup. And I wrote how I loved when one thing is used for a totally different thing. I do. I love that. And I don't think anyone knows that about me- mostly because I've never known that about myself until that picture came across my life.

See? It's paragraphs like that that I'm terrified of. If and when my mother reads that, she's going to think I'm insane. But why am I concerned? What's exactly wrong with being a little insane? I've just always been so worried about being perceived as "normal"- and I don't even know what that means. What is "normal"? And why do I so desperately want to be it?

A girl who drinks coffee out of a camera lenses sounds way cooler than whatever "normal" could possibly be.

Fishie Face

Remember that movie, My Girl? And the part she goes to the carnival and wins the goldfish?

That apparently happens in real life, too. :)

See, the county fair is going on here in our little town- and if you've ever been to or lived in a small western town, you'll know that county fairs are THE social event of pretty much the year. It's a little ridiculous. Anyway, we took Monkey yesterday for some good down home fun. We saw lots of exhibits, lots of cute animals (It took Monkey 15 minutes to pet a damn cow...he is scared of the most random things!), and Monkey rode lots of rides!

But the highlight was at the very end of our trip...we decided to play one game (to take Monkey's mind off the fact that we were indeed done with rides). The lady at the booth said we could get 30 balls for $5 and that she could "guarantee" us a goldfish.

You are familiar with this game, right?? Where you have to get the ping pong ball in the little glass vases filled with something that resembles Easter grass...it looks impossible. It really does. But guess what? My sporty three year old made one!

But here's the real kick. Sometime in the middle while he was throwing, his daddy handed me a ball and said, "Let's have Mommy try". I'm standing, I'm holding his balloon, and my phone from taking pictures, and not really even thinking about it. I toss the ball...and it goes right into a damn cup.

The goods, and the proud winner. :)

Are. You. Kidding.

So...now we have two goldfish. It's the next day and they are still alive. Amazing! After I invested 20 whole dollars in getting them a bowl and food and rocks and some fake grass to swim around, I assumed they'd die in a heartbeat. Maybe they're tougher than they look.

Maybe they're waiting until we name them. :) What, am I being negative???

One Day At A Time

If I was a basket case yesterday, then today I'm an effing picnic.

Seriously. Yesterday I was kind of hoping the world would just end so I could be done with everything. That's pretty low, especially for me, who thinks PUDDLES ARE MADE OF SUNSHINE. W.T.F.

Anyway. Today, I'm glad the world didn't end, I'm glad God ignored my begging to be struck with lightening, and I'm glad that I have another day to just...be.

I left work a bit early yesterday and went to see Grandpa at the cemetery. It was, strangely, just what I needed. I stood and sobbed and whispered things to him (well, I felt like an idiot talking out loud...I know that sounds insensitive, but I'm still new at this visiting-the-cemetery bit) and begging him to help me get through my shit. Which, knowing my grandfather, he probably was giving me some sort of Look that said, "girl, get your damn act together." And that's probably just what I need. Someone to shake me and say "GET A GRIP, BITCH!!"

I know this is all really confusing- because I haven't said exactly WHAT my deal is. Trust, I know. I know because I don't really understand what my deal is. I'm not sure if I'm having a quarter life crisis, or if I'm just stressed, or if I'm actually terribly unhappy with something. I don't know. Which, in turn, just freaks me out even more. I'm at the point where I'm watching out for the dudes in white jackets to come and escort me to my padded cell where I may forever be bouncing off the walls like a crazy person.

Maybe I need therapy. Maybe I need to blog more. Maybe I need a drink. Maybe I need to stop drinking. Maybe I need to make a change. A big change.

I.Don't.KNOW.

All I know is that today- I'm better than yesterday. Even though it probably doesn't sound like it. I am. So at least I've got that to work with.

There's good, there's bad...there's always ugly

Been awhile since I've blogged, eh? Sorry, kids.

Lots has been going on in this little brain of mine. Sometimes I'm surprised at how much thinking goes on in there! :)

First off...happy 200th post to me! And you. And...whomever else wants to be included. I feel like I should be doing something AMAZING for this post...like bake you all virtual cupcakes. :)

But...I did not. I know. What kind of crap blog am I running here?? Seriously.

At any rate, it's entry #200, and I'm still here...hopefully you are too. And if you are, thank you.

Today is Hubby's birthday. He is 37. Happy birthday darling.

Unfortunately, there's something else that is weighing heavy on my heart and mind today. :(

Three years ago today, my grandpa passed away. If you read this blog frequently, you know that Grandpa has a special place in my heart. If you haven't been privy to this news, you can read about it here. It's amazing how people leave our lives and leave such a hole. And in some ways, I feel closer to him now than I ever did when he was alive. I'm not sure how that works, if it works, if it even makes sense. I guess because I envision him occasionally looking down at me from his great fishing hole in the sky, making sure I'm doing okay. It's a thought that is both comforting and sad. Because all he can do is look. He's not here to hug me, he's not here to give me candy, he's not here to make that little chuckle he always did when he was mildly amused by his only granddaughter's crazy antics. He's not here to even look at me with confusion the way he did when his Alzheimer's kicked in.

My life is so different from when he was still with us. I look back now and sometimes feel like I've lost both him and myself. Sometimes I worry that he'll look down from his fishing hole in the sky and not be able to find me, because I'm so different. I worry so greatly even more that he can see me, but doesn't want to because what I am now isn't what he expected or hoped for me to be. Grandpa wanted only big, bright, amazing things for me.

I wonder if I let him down by just being another girl in the world.

Week In Photos

Today, I was going through the photos on my phone. In just the past week, I took a couple neat ones. And I thought, wow, I've captured a few really cool moments.

Okay, I know that sounds really corny, and what I'm about to say is going to sound even more so. But we go through the week- at least people like me, not people like my friend Molly who that saying flies by the seat of her pants was invented for- in the same routine. Get up, go to work, come home, sleep, repeat. We forget that in the mundane repetitiveness, there are moments in time that make each day different, special, important. By me taking photos of random moments, I've reminded myself to be thankful.

And so, because of all this, I've decided that I'm going to try to pay attention to my weeks a little more. Find those moments worth capturing. I'm not a photographer, but I love life and want to remember every second of it.

Let's see week one of my new project, shall we?

I woke Monkey up early one morning this week to see this little guy.
He spent most of the early morning watching him instead of his
usual cartoons.

I was mesmerized by the sun and clouds. If you look closely on
the left, you see the silhouette of a certain little boy swinging. The
visual to me is cool- and also kind of eerie.

My mama's lilies are blooming, and they are the most
beautiful color I think I've ever seen on a flower.

The fireworks on "our" 4th- which we celebrated on the
2nd this year, since Hubby would be working on the actual 4th.
There's something about ooh-ing and ahh-ing about them together
that's really special.