Direction!

It's been difficult for me to come up with things to write about lately. I definitely need a jump start. For some reason, day to day life isn't encouraging me enough to write. I need.......directions. Sometimes you do in writing.

So, I found this list on a lovely blog, Closed on Sunday. Check her out, she's great. She's actually working on a different list of topics at the moment, but she had this list originally posted, and I thought I'd give it a whirl.

Day 01: Something you hate about yourself.

Day 02: Something you love about yourself.

Day 03: Something you have to forgive yourself for.

Day 04: Something you have to forgive someone for.

Day 05: Something you hope to do in your life.

Day 06 : Something you hope you never have to do.

Day 07: Someone who has made your life worth living for.

Day 08: Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.

Day 09: Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.

Day 10: Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.

Day 11: Something people seem to compliment you the most on.

Day 12: Something you never get compliments on.

Day 13: A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)

Day 14: A hero that has let you down. (letter)

Day 15: Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without.

Day 17: A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.

Day 18: Your views on gay marriage.

Day 19: What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?

Day 20: Your views on drugs and alcohol.

Day 21: (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?

Day 22: Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.

Day 23: Something you wish you had done in your life.

Day 24: Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)

Day 25: The reason you believe you’re still alive today.

Day 26: Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

Day 27: What’s the best thing going for you right now?

Day 28: What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Day 29: Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

Day 30: A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Wish me luck!

A Thought

Tonight, as Monkey was wrapped up in my old baby blanket and cuddling up against me, I thought about babies and kids and how expensive they are. And how much money one would save if they skipped kids all together.

Then, Monkey sniffled and cuddled closer. And I thought, "And how poor a life that would be."

: )

Tonight...

...A mother rocks her baby to sleep.

...A father works the late shift.

...A comic is on stage, praying for a laugh.

...A son scarfs up his dinner, because it's his only meal of the day.

...A family is watching Dancing With the Stars.

...A woman roots for change in her purse, her coin cup, her desk drawer...to buy a gallon of milk for her family.

...A girl cries herself to sleep, but cannot fully explain why.

...A young man searches the Internet for a job. Any job.

...A first kiss is shared.

...A teenager wanders the darkness, looking for a safe place to sleep.

...A wife is wondering where her husband is.

...A man is watching Monday Night Football and eating a full bag of Cheetos.

...A dream is realized.

...A group of friends is driving from LA to Vegas.

...A man is proposing to the girl of his dreams.

...A woman is packing a suitcase to leave her husband.

...A candle is burning.

...A heart is broken.


Which is you? Which is me?

The Wino In Me...

So many thoughts are running through my mind. And I'm worried I won't remember them all- maybe I won't want to, they might sound crazy or embarrassing tomorrow. But now, nothing seems impossible. Isn't alcohol great?

Fine. I'm slightly intoxicated. I'm on my third glass of wine. Number two was probably enough. But I haven't been drunkish in a long time. Its strange how good it feels. Is that irresponsible? That's probably why it feels so good. : ) Day in, day out, I'm the mama, the one who makes dinner (usually), keeps things in kind-of order, works hard, takes care of her boys, worries CONSTANTLY, etc. The wine is letting go of all of that. Even if I am sitting at home alone like a total loser.

I've been crying a lot lately, over a lot of weird things. Well, not weird. Stupid? Hmmm, no. Well, possibly. I just feel like I'm at a crossroads. MORESO...I feel like I should be at a crossroads, but I'm not. I'm almost 27 years old, and I do not have my life in order. I cannot pay bills on time. I cannot keep a handle on my end of my marriage. I get too many emotions, and I let outside factors- like the money thing- interrupt. But I'm realizing that if that marriage isn't good, the money thing won't make a difference anyway. I should be....successful, right? I mean, I know 27 is still young, but its iiiiiinching near 30, and shouldn't you really be successful, or on the road towards success, by then????

Geeeeeeeee......Glee starts Tuesday. Told you, two glasses of wine were enough.


Anyway. Tonight, I kind of gave up and decided to power through all at once. That's where the wine came in. Its funny how booze gives you the strength to realize things you already knew. I'm having a serious Scarlett O'hara "As God is my witness" moment. As in, as God is my witness, I will get through this money trouble time, and make my marriage stronger because of it.

And probably take two aspirin in the morning. : )

Yay, Weekend!

Happy Weekend, Lovers!

Well, any grand plans? We sure do...

Tomorrow, the Hubs is working, so Monkey and I are going to go
to Disney World with my BFFs! : ) Monkey hasn't been since
last holiday season, so it should be a great
time. I'm very excited to see his face as we walk
around looking for Mickey Mouse. : )

Then, on Sunday, the Hubs and I are going to his buddy's
house for a little football and BBQ. He and his wife have three
daughters, so you KNOW Monkey is going to be
running around like a little pimpster. Lord help me. Actually,
Lord help those little girls. ; )

Oh, and also- a little peek at Monkey's Halloween costume!


His Nama sent it to him- isn't it spiffy??? The wings light up
and everything! He didn't ever want to take it off.


It's a touch big, but who cares? He's still adorable. ; )

Happy weekend, ya'll!!

My Top Ten Fall Loves

If you've followed this blog for awhile now, you probably remember how obsessive I am about the holidays. Well, guess what folks? It's September 6th, Labor Day, and that means the end of summer and the beginning of another holiday season!!!

Can I get a woot-woot? No? Not even a little..."yay!"

Well, fine. Be mopey that summer is over. I suppose if I didn't live in sunny, humid, hot as hello Florida, I would be a little sad to see summer go too. My reality is that fall will most likely remain sunny and hot, which only makes my senses further insist that YES, it IS fall, dammit! It is my excuse to just go slightly over board. : )

And so, without further adieu, I present my top ten favorite things about Autumn. Enjoy!


1. Crunching, falling, changing color leaves.

2. Pumpkin flavored anything. Coffee, pancakes, bread, pie, cookies (pumpkin cookies with chocolate chips...I know they sound strange, but oooh baby...), you name it, I love it.

3. That perfect fall day. I used to LOVE them in Montana. That day where the sky is gorgeously clear and blue, the sun is shining but there's still that tiny chill in the air...most likely you are on your way to a high school football game and afterwards you'll end up at the bonfire...THAT day. Ah.

4. Carmel-apple spice from Starbucks. Delish.

5. Pumpkins. Not to be confused with number 2. This is about the decor of pumpkins. We all remember the infamous pictures of Monkey running around the pumpkin patch last year? I cannot wait to relive that. : )

6. Family. Not to say that you spend only this time of year w/ the fam, but there's just more...emphasis. This is the time of year for traditions, and traditions usually involve family- God given or the people you've claimed along the road of life.

7. My holiday wreath. This is the time of year it comes out, and then unfortunately I usually end up shoving it away in our huge hodge-podge closet after New Year's. For some reason covering it with hearts or bunnies or even American flags just doesn't do anything for me. But fake leaves or ribbon w/ snowflakes? I will buy OUT the Dollar Tree for that crap.

8. Halloween. I am afraid of everything under the sun, but there's something adorable about little kids- LITTLE kids, not your little brother running around in a Freddy mask and a pillowcase- dressed up as princesses, pirates, witches, ghosts. I love the idea of those cute little neighborhoods where everyone knows everyone and is all, "OH, let's go to the Johnson's next! They always have the best candy!" Alright, fine, so I like how Halloween was in the 1950s. ; )

9. THANKSGIVING. The parade, the football games, the food. God, the FOOOOOOD. Not only on Turkey day, but the day after...leftover turkey sandwiches are something magical.

10. FOOTBALL, baby. I love it. I love college (GO Montana Grizzlies!!), I love pro (Go Bucs....ahem...please do better this year...), I love fantasy. It is my favorite sport, and by seeing it back on TV, I know that it is also ushering in the beginnings of my favorite time of year. : )

Nightmare

I've been trying to act normal all day.

But the truth is, I don't feel normal at all.

I guess normal isn't a good word. I don't like it, in general. What
does it even mean? And why do we all have to be assumed normal?
Why is abnormal always a negative thing? It seems like some of us
try too hard to be whatever the norm is, and end up being
utterly dull.

Yuck.

So, I'm not trying to be dull. I'm trying not to curl into a little ball
and cry like a crazy woman.

My grandfather past away over two years ago now. We were pretty
close; I'm his only grandkid, so he and my Grandma always
spoiled the crap out of me. He kept candy corn in the glove compartment
of his truck for me. He'd play Barbies with me and watch cartoons
with me. He'd encourage me to get great grades- and give me $100 bills
if I got straight A's. Usually he gave in and gave it to me anyway,
assuming that my grades were good.

The last ten or so years of his live weren't fun ones. He was in
a nursing home for much it them; he lost the desire to live, I think.
He got Alzheimer's; he lost most of his strength and could hardly
walk. This was why he was in the nursing home; my 80 year old
grandmother could no longer care for him on her own. It was
an overall sad situation.

When Hubs and I got married, we had the ceremony and
reception my parents spacious and beautiful yard,
in Montana, in July 2008. While we were there, I took
Monkey to see my Grandpa in the nursing home for the first and only
time. Monkey was only six months old at the time.
Grandpa assumed he was my mother's baby.

About two weeks later, Grandpa passed away.

I always assumed and told myself that he held on long enough to see
Monkey. The timing of things just seemed so ironic; we'd had
so many close calls as far as loosing Grandpa, but he always inexplicably
bounced back. Until this time.

So. Fast forward to now. I miss him, and I think about him often. But I
hadn't actually dreamed of him until last night.

Long story short, I was on a passenger train, walking through the
cars. Grandpa was sitting on one, alone. I walked right up to him,
and he looked up at me, smiling softly. We talked for a bit, but I didn't
sit down next to him. Then, I hugged him, and called him, "Papa", which
I had never, ever done before.

The mood changed. Instead of a sweet reunion, Grandpa suddenly
pulled away from me, giving me a look of confusion, anger, and betrayal.

"You don't even know who I am," he accused.

"Yes, yes I do!" I protested. "I'm sorry, Monkey calls his grandfathers Papa."

"NO!" Grandpa yelled, and then he disappeared, leaving me alone on
the speeding train.

I woke up this morning...broken hearted. I feel like I've been kicked in the gut,
and my heart is just sad. I don't know what any of the
dream means. The train? My grandfather? Me calling him Papa, and his
upset reaction?

Any thoughts?